Random Facts About Me (That I Totally Made Up)

Months ago, Facebook had this big trend where people would come up with 25 random facts about themselves. So I did just that - I made them up.
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1. My sister once killed a moose with her bare hands.

2. I had a two year relationship with the only legally-blind Playboy Playmate in history that only ended when someone told her I wasn't really black.

3. I taught Dane Cook everything he knows (sorry everyone)

4. I speak 14 different languages, but no one has heard of them.

5. My dad invented the spork, but lost the rights to the patent in a poker game.

6. I once convinced Kurt Warner to convert to Islam, but it only lasted one day after he found out that I tricked him and that Muslims don't actually get free toppings at Pizza Hut.

7. For ten years, I successfully predicted the outcome of every Super Bowl to the exact final score - until I started putting money on them.

8. If you rearrange the letters in my full name, it spells a word that means "hairdresser to the stars" in Swahili.

9. I taught Kanye West everything he knows (sorry everyone).

10. When I was 9 years old, I once farted The Alphabet Song on an unaired episode of The Gong Show.

11. Stan Lee, creator of Spider-Man, helped my mom deliver me in the back of a 1978 Volkswagon in a backroad of Duluth, MN.

12. I once beat up former UFC champion Randy Couture, but only after the horse tranqulizers kicked in.

13. I taught Lars Ulrich of Metallica everything he knows (I can't apologize enough for that one).

14. From ages 8 to 13 I was able to telepathically communicate with ferrets until I got hit by an ice cream truck.

15. Despite what you have been lead to believe, this entire financial crisis began because of a bad check I wrote to a Shell station in Prairie du Chien, WI for $7.32.

16. I once slapped a man so hard he changed his name.

17. Every woman I have ever slept with but not been in a relationship with has gone on to run for public office.

18. Because of an injury to my brain I am unable to spell the word "dgdtehdh" (that's not how you spell it)

19. Paris Hilton once had the potential to be a scientist in the field of biochemistry until we went out for margaritas that one time.

20. I convinced Radio Shack to change their slogan to "You Got Questions, We've Got Answers" from their previous slogan "What The Hell Do You Want From Us?!"

21. As a child, my parents would not only tell me that gypsies left me on their doorstep, but would go into great detail about the lengths they went to find said gypsies and make them take me back.

22. I once spent the night in jail for pushing a midget down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

23. I am allergic to orange wallpaper.

24. Everyone in my extended family over the age of 40 has been a professional wrestler at one point in their lives.

25. I was once legally married to a squid for thirty-two minutes